I often “write” my blogs before I actually write my blogs. What I mean is that I come up with the topic
while I’m in the middle of something like a triathlon or a long run, and then I
even think up a few sentences and commit them to memory. Then, when I write them out on my computer
later, they often just flow right off my brain and onto the screen.
This week I planned to do the same thing, but as my mom often
says, “People plan – and God laughs.” My
blog this week was going to be awesome, a page turner (hmm, I guess we’d say a “screen
scroller” now?). This week I took my
family on a 5 day cruise, and as we were driving to the ship to “embark” (and
what a stupid word, by the way), I wrote the whole blog in my head. I was going to talk about how I was around
all this decadent food served on bottomless plates, but I remained stoic, ate
well, counted my points and calories, exercised 9 times a day, and lost 3
pounds while on vacation. And I committed
this blog to memory at the exact same time I heard something skyward sound like
it was snickering.
Let’s see, we boarded the ship, unpacked our bags, and went off to
eat. That’s when I learned that pretty
much everything was buffet style, and the serving spoons were massive. It dawned on me that I wasn’t going to be
able to count my points like I do for Weight Watchers, so I decided to follow a
few other tricks: fill half my plate with vegetables, make the best protein
choices that I could. I got my kids food
from the buffet, and while they ate with Wil, I went back to get my own food
and really concentrate.
I quickly learned a few things: there was salad, but the lettuce
was that crappy Iceberg stuff (and my apologies to all you Iceberg fans out
there, but if I may just call it like it is, Iceberg lettuce kind of
sucks). The only salad dressing that
wasn’t creamy was a vinaigrette that I tried to use sparingly. I looked at the vegetables, and though they
were grilled, they were swimming in oil.
Pass. For a protein I had a
choice of fried chicken or fish that was drowning in its own pool of oil. I chose the fish, holding it up for a few
seconds so the grease could cascade off it before it hit my plate.
I ate as well as I could and then realized I had 14 more meals
that I was going to have to navigate my way through. Later that day I learned that soft serve ice
cream and brick oven pizza were available 24 hours a day. Crap, I was in trouble.
After we ate, we went back to our cabin to change into
swimsuits. Ben can’t swim yet, so I knew
I’d have to hold him in the water, but I thought that maybe I’d hold him in the
deep end so that I had to tread water and maybe burn off a few calories. Then we got to the pool and I discovered that
not only was it only 4 feet deep, but it was FREEZING cold. As I walked around the pool holding Ben who
was screaming with joy of “swimming”, I wondered how many calories a person
burned shivering.
Each meal got progressively worse.
It’s not that the food was bad (though actually it kind of was), it’s
that I started making horrible choices. “Diet
chocolate cake” was probably healthy, right?
I was amazed how small the serving spoons suddenly seemed, causing me to
take 4 helpings of scrambled eggs, and the toast seemed smaller than what I ate
at home, so I talked myself into an extra slice at each breakfast. And then there was “chocolate night”, when
Olivia and I went to get desserts and came back with a sampling of all 14
chocolate items being served, swearing that it was for the whole table. And to make sure that none of it was good, I
sampled each item twice. Hey, you have
to be sure. And we docked in St. John, New
Brunswick, I just HAD to order the lobster – just to support local
business. It was my duty.
Now, I did workout. Every
day I woke up at 5:45 and went to the gym.
I started with four sets of my resistance bands, and then mixed up my
cardio workout every day. The first day
I rode a spin bike for 30 minutes, and I’ll admit that I moved the little sign
off of it that said something like “use of spin bikes are only permitted during
a spin class taught by the staff”. After
realizing how much I was eating, though, I decided to up the workouts a
bit. The second day I actually tied my
bands to the railing of the ship and did them outside as the sun rose, which
was pretty cool. Then I ran 5K around
the ship track, which wouldn’t seem so impressive, but that was 30 laps of the
teeny track, and I thought counting that high with absolutely no caffeine
beforehand was a pretty impressive feat.
On my third morning I decided to mix things up a bit and do the
spin bike before my bands, but this time the ship’s “trainer” caught me after
about 50 minutes into my 60 minute workout.
She told me that spin bikes were only for spin class, as a person could
get injured. I asked her how much more
injured I’d get on a spin bike than an actual stationary bike that they also
had available. As I watched her try to
think of an answer, I said, “Look, I’m a triathlete. I spend a LOT of time on spin bikes.” She replied with “regardless of a person’s
ability (remember, to ride a bike that DOESN’T GO ANYWHERE), we cannot make
exceptions for just one passenger.” I
decided it wasn’t worth arguing and tied my bands to a weight machine nobody was
using and continued my workout. When I
was done, the “trainer” came back to me and said, “So, umm, you do triathlons?” I said I did.
She said, “Yeah, I watched you work out.
You’re very fit.” I was assuming
she was apologizing for being such a spin bike Nazi, so I just smiled, thanked
her for the compliment and went off to chow down on another breakfast buffet.
The final morning of the cruise, I woke up anxious. I wasn’t worried about going back to my
humdrum life in the suburbs, or going back to work the next day. I realized how much damage I’d done eating
the 24 hour ice creams, the second helpings of breakfast, how I had given up on
salads by my second meal. I needed to
turn the tables and get back into my groove.
I knew I had plenty of time before we “debarked” (now we take the stupid
word and create its opposite), so I decided to go up to the gym and spend my
entire morning there. I walked up to
deck 11 where the gym was – and it was closed.
I guess they don’t open it the day we dock for fear that someone might
stow away behind the free weights and try to cruise again?
Being the New Yorker that I am, I simply tied my resistance bands
to the first railing I saw and started my routine. A ship’s employee looked at me with disdain,
and I prepared myself to say that if they didn’t like me tying my bands to the
railing that they could kick me off the ship.
Turns out the person couldn’t care less, so he walked by and I did my
pulls, pushes, squats and pushups right outside the gym. When I was done with that, I knew I had to do
more. It dawned on me that I was
standing on deck 11 of 12. So, when I
was done with my bands, I ran back to my room and dropped them outside my door
so as not to wake up Wil or the kids.
Then I went back to the stairs and walked down to the first deck. When I got there, I turned right around and
walked up to deck 12. I went down and up
to 12 again. Then I went from deck 1 to
11 twice, then 1 to 10 twice, etc. Let
me do the math for you: that ended up being 132 stories, way more than the
Freedom Tower even when it’s complete.
The entire trek took just over an hour, and when I was done, my legs
were shaking, my shirt was completely soaked, and the ship employee who was
standing on Deck 3 where “debarkment” (seriously?) was going to happen and had
watched me go past her 40 times probably thought that I was a complete nut.
We’re home now. My kids actually
requested a “healthy dinner”, as the processed and fatty foods, though
delicious, seem to have gotten the better of all of us. I’m swaying as I write this, since I don’t
seem to have my “land legs” back. I
haven’t stepped on the scale yet as I like to weigh myself in the mornings, but
I’m ready to accept the number whatever it is.
I planned, and God laughed. I
threw in the health towel and decided instead to enjoy my vacation with my
family, through 3 story water slides, a horse drawn trolley ride in a beautiful
city in Canada, and 24 hour ice cream and pizza. Tomorrow is back to normal, including exercise,
food and life in general. Things will be
fine. I have it all planned out….
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