Sweet
Madness
Intense,
maybe. Passionate, definitely. Now, who stole Jeffrey’s donut?
Squish-crunch.
Squish-crunch.
Jeffrey focused on the sound his feet made as he
walked on the semi-packed snow. He was
trying to keep his mind clear, and figure out: who had eaten the last donut at
base camp?
It wasn’t that Jeffrey was crazy. He was a little intense, maybe. And passionate. Yes, that was it. Passionate.
That’s why he was here in the first place. At work, the office assistant, John, had used
Jeffrey’s stapler without asking, and Jeffrey may have heard this and then
picked up his stapler and thrown it at John while screaming “you think office
supplies are for everyone?!” But that wasn’t crazy. Intense, maybe. Passionate, definitely. Jeffrey was passionate about staplers, and
people touching his things. Human
Resources heard about the incident and recommended Jeffrey take a short
sabbatical. Jeffrey couldn’t understand why there was a problem. Wasn’t he just making sure the company’s office
supplies were being used properly? Jeffrey’s neighbor Todd suggested Jeffrey
“take a hike”. Jeffrey knew Todd was
only kidding, even though Todd had no sense of humor. Like when Todd claimed that he couldn’t
control the leaves of his tree landing on Jeffrey’s property, so Jeffrey let
his dog take a crap on Todd’s porch.
Jeffrey thought it was funny.
Todd didn’t. But Jeffrey took Todd’s
suggestion to heart, and then did all the work and training he needed to be
able to sign up with a tour group to hike up Mount Everest.
And now, here Jeffrey found himself, hiking up Mount
Everest with a group of people he’d only known for the past few days. They had done small hikes together and rested
at base camp together. They cooked meals
and worked together. Jeffrey was
frequently partnered with Duncan. Duncan
was a big guy with a bigger smile and a loud, annoying laugh. Duncan’s voice was loud too, which is
probably why Jeffrey could so easily hear him say to the Sherpas “look, I’m
happy to help Jeffrey out, but it would be nice to have time away from the
crazy guy. I need a break.” But Jeffrey figured that Duncan was talking
about someone else. Not him. Never him.
Intense and passionate. Never
crazy.
On the first day of the tour, someone arrived with a box
of donuts to share with everyone, and passed it around during the
get-to-know-each-other session (the Sherpas playfully called it “An Icebreaker
on Ice”. Everyone giggled. That’s when Jeffrey realized he was the only
normal person in the group.) Jeffrey
watched everyone take a donut, but he didn’t.
He wanted to save his for the morning of the final push to the
summit. He left it in the box and knew
nobody would take it. As they told each
other a bit about themselves, Jeffrey stood up and made quite clear to everyone
what stuff was his (including the last donut left in the box), and how none of
it was to be touched by anyone. Everyone
just sat there except for Duncan, who got up and put his extra-large hand on
Jeffrey’s shoulder and reassured him that nobody would go near his stuff. But somebody had. That morning he went to the cabin where he’d
left his donut in the box, but it was gone.
The trek up to the summit was ruined before it even started.
Now the group
was hiking up the mountain. One Sherpa
was in front, the other in the back. The
people in the tour group walked in single file between them: Megan, Bridgette, Claire, Frank, Duncan, and
then Jeffrey. Jeffrey thought about each
of them. Claire and Frank were a couple.
Maybe one of them stole it for the other as some kind of romantic gesture
before they took on the most dangerous act of their ridiculously lovey-dovey lives
(at the “Ice Breaker on Ice” session, they were holding hands! In front of everyone!) Bridgette and Megan had been friends for 30
years, enjoying an adventure together.
Jeffrey couldn’t understand staying friends with someone so long, so
clearly there was something wrong with both of them. One of them must have taken it. It was Bridgette, Jeffrey decided. Definitely Bridgette. She was shorter. It all made sense.
The Sherpa in front stopped and turned around. “Let’s
take a quick break,” he said. This was
Jeffrey’s chance to confront Bridgette, that donut stealing bitch. He wasn’t going to do anything. He just wanted to talk to her and remind her
to stay away from his stuff. Maybe he’d
yell. Maybe he’d throw his oxygen tank
at her. He was keeping his options open.
As Jeffrey walked past Duncan, he heard Frank ask him,
“Hey, Duncan, is that blood on your parka?”
Jeffrey turned. Blood was always
interesting. Duncan looked at the back
of his arm and then let out a booming laugh.
Jeffrey’s eyes darted up the mountain to see if it had set off an
avalanche.
“Hah, look at that,” said Duncan. “Nope, not blood. Jelly from that donut I
found in the cabin at base camp.”
“DONUT?” Jeffrey asked. Was he screaming? No, probably not.
Duncan spun around at Jeffrey’s voice, and then
smiled. That stupid, big smile. “Oh, hey, Jeffrey. Yeah, I needed a little time away – from the
group – so I offered to clean up that cabin we were hanging out in. There was one donut left in the box, so I
threw it out. Must have gotten some of the jelly on myself.”
Jeffrey glared.
Duncan noticed. “Hey, man,” he
said, “I forgot you were saving it. No
need to get crazy, though, right?”
“Sure,” said Jeffrey, as he felt his heart beating in
his ears. “No problem.”
The Sherpas called out that it was time to
continue. Everyone lined up again. Jeffrey stared at Duncan’s back. Duncan was right. No need to get crazy. Intense, maybe. Or passionate. But not crazy. Jeffrey pulled his ice axe out of his pack
and put it in his hand. His stapler throwing hand.
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