You're a Mean One, Ali Grinch

Driving home the other day, a Christmas song came on the radio. I usually don’t like Christmas music (except for Trans Siberian Orchestra’s “Carol of the Bells” and the Bare Naked Ladies version of “We Three Kings”), so I tend to switch the station when I hear a Christmas tune starting. This time, though, I smiled and turned the volume up. Nope, it wasn’t Bruce Springsteen singing “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”, or The Waitresses’ “Christmas Wrapping” (which is actually a close third for me). It was the Grinch Song.

You know the one I’m talking about: “You’re a monster, Mr. Grinch. Your heart’s an empty hole…”. And we’ve all seen the movie (and come on, admit it. You just watched it when it was on last week), so we all know that song plays as the Grinch is slithering around stealing everything he thinks is important to the Whos down in Whoville. I enjoyed the entire song when I heard it the other day, not because I intend to steal anyone’s Christmas, but because I am so done with the holiday season.

It’s not that I hate the holidays. I can’t wait to give my kids their gifts (and for those who don’t know this, let me explain it this way: "instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights”, and our house is the one on the block adorned in blue lights). My problem is all the parties and the food.

Last week at work we had 3 separate holiday parties. Next week one of our vendors is taking us out for a holiday lunch. There are baked cookies (which, granted, I baked and brought in, but I can’t help it; I simply make phenomenal chocolate chip cookies, and the world just needs a dose of them every now and then), chocolates, candy canes. Even my gym has a bowl of Christmas candy by the front door.

Now, I have tried to be good. I’ve been filling up on the salads, eating tons of vegetables. I find people to share desserts with, meaning that I take the first and last bite and they get all the bites in between. I ALWAYS choose salmon as my meal, so much so that I’m half waiting to grow gills. And I’m completely sick of it. Just like the Grinch, I think I have garlic in my soul. I want to indulge in all the sweets and taboo foods that I’ve spent weeks watching everyone else enjoy.

Today was the straw that broke my back. We went to my brother’s house to celebrate an early holiday, and there were bagels and lox for lunch. To eat I chose a “flagel”, which is a super flat bagel, skipped the cream cheese, and topped my flagel with lox (yes, more salmon, sigh) and tomato, and took a big helping of fruit salad. Then everyone else enjoyed some of my homemade cookies (and yes, they all swooned. They really are that good), and I had – a cup of tea and a foul look on my face. But in my heart, I was done. I wanted to cheat, was dying to be bad.

By the time we got home, I was in full Grinch mood. I had no intention of ruining the holidays for anyone but myself, but I was done with my healthy eating. I pulled out a saucepan and went to task creating a peanut butter-dark chocolate version of rice crispy treats that are simply out of this world (and it’s dawning on me that I was probably a pastry chef in my former life). I melted chocolate, peanut butter, brown sugar. I stirred in the rice crispies and put it in a baking pan. Then I tossed it in the freezer so it would set quickly.

After the kids had dinner, the treats were ready for us all to inhale. I cut some rather large pieces (“Fat Girl” sized ones), and passed them around. And just as I was about to sink my teeth into them, Fit Girl came to the forefront of my brain and I thought: “Do I really want to eat this? Is that really what I want?” My eyes and my hand seemed to disagree, because they kept moving the treat closer to my mouth. I opened wide – and took a small little bite, just a taste. I have to admit, it was delicious (Hello! Dark chocolate, peanut butter, sugar and rice crispies! What else could it possibly be but delicious???). I enjoyed my bite, savored it, let the crispies melt on my tongue. Then I took the rest of my piece and threw it away. Done.

As I stood over the garbage can, I giggled a little. After years of training and watching what I eat, I simply have a new definition of “bad” and a new version of “cheating”. I may sometimes feel like the Grinch, but like the Grinch, I’ve learned that hurting others (and myself) just doesn’t get you anywhere. I have to admit, I still want the holidays to be over with, but I look forward to another few weeks of salmon and vegetables. Now, if the radio stations could just cool it with all the holiday music…